Sunday, April 4, 2010

Shake it out...

Dear my loyal readers (aka my mom)

I have been absent from this blog recently. And I'm not sure why because I was so enamored with it when I started. I thought if I took everything off during spring break I'd be itching to start up again.... but I still feel this angry solid block in my chest when it comes to everything, including this. Yes, I am having the unluckiest semester of my life and its really starting to get to me. Yes, I should just work through this. But after years and years of working my ass off, I have come to the realization that there are people that just dont give a damn out there who still succeed and pass and then get put into my group for the next project when in reality they should have never been accepted into upper division.

I'm not sure where all my negativity came from recently. I might as well use this outlet to try to work some of it out. I think maybe all my anger and bitterness at all these unfortunate things happening to me is making the normal everyday unluckiness stand out even more. I have survived getting dumped before, why should this time be any different? I have had plans not panout before- why does it feel like my life is in ruins due to these ones? ARRGGG its so frustrating.

Hmmm... maybe a list would help- I love lists.
What I Am Upset About:

1. Being single

2. Not doing well this semester
a. Working my ass off on my program but then only getting an 87.75
b. I should not be upset about that BUT I AM
c. So upset about that, that I avoided reworking it- minimally did it... hopefully it will bump up to an 88
d. Having a great presentation but GOT NERVOUS EVEN THOUGH THAT NEVER HAPPENS
f. not knowing what I got on that yet... not hearing any critique (positive OR negative) from my professor I get incredibly stressed.....

3. Knowing I wont do well for the REST of the semester
a. I have a group project coming up. And I got ROYALLY FUCKED with the WORST STUDENT OF ALL TIME in my group. If I don't flip the fuck out on him in the first week I will be BEYOND surprised
b. Have to write another program... but with a group.... with that guy......
c. Behind in a lot of my classes- too much research this semester....

4. My love/hate relationship with my roommates. I absolutely love my friendship with them- no one that has met them hates them in any way shape or form. But LIVING with them is an ENTIRELY different story. I feel like such a twat even talking about this because I am scared that they will read this and get mad at me. Which is silly because I dont think they even care about my blog. WHICH IS SILLY because I know they care about me! I should have such higher self-esteem than what it feels like when I think that they don't care about what I do or say. I am ashamed. I have the best example of why living with them is so difficult for me and it happened this afternoon when I got back to the apartment: First off I have been GONE for the entire week. I stopped in for one night and then went to visit Shannon and Steve in NJ. Got home to a trashed apartment with two roommates on my futon (that they broke and still haven't fixed) rolling around in their own filth. So I dropped my bag, cleaned the kitchen, took out the trash, took out the recycling, cleaned the bathroom, and picked up the living room. THEN I unpacked and got to work. And of course they didn't thank me. I need a thank you. Just one. I hate feeling like they LIVE there, but I stay there and am their mother/maid. I almost can't wait to move.

5. Very depressed about moving. More about my bosses not caring about me than the actual moving process.

6. That my friends pick douchebags over and over and over and over again. For example, one has been with a guy for three years now even though he refuses to be boyfriend girlfriend because hes 'scared to screw it up'. THREE YEARS. NO COMMITMENT. RED FLAG? She says she loves him and sees a future with him. Things like this make me happy about being single. I do not get any of my friends relationships (other than Shan & Steve- they're perfectly nauseating)

7. I am broke. I am practically jobless. I am an independent sort that I feel beyond guilty asking for monetary help from my parents especially when they are also struggling.

8. I am terrified about senior year. I want to quit school right now.

9. My family is screwed up. And when I say my family- I mean my sister and my mother. And its hard to watch the enabling and the guilt and the wah wah wah of it all. Being involved in it all makes my problems seem BEYOND SMALL AND TRIVIAL

Ok 9 is my lucky number. I need to stop before I go out of control. Downward spirals are not attractive. So how about a list of positives to try to get me in the right mindset?

1. The Russian called me yesterday to apologize for being an asshole. Again. Which is equal parts confusing and flattering. Why after 7 months even contact someone? But I hope after this he realizes what he was doing was extremely.... um.... not cool. Not just to me, but to all females ever. So horay for me for being part of him realizing this and wanting to change? Who knows.

2. I had a very relaxing spring break. It was nice being home even though it was highly boring due to the horrible weather locking me in the house every day. But I saw my favorite people more than once and they cheer me up. And I drove a lot. And I had my kitten and he bugged me just as much as I bugged him. AND I PLAYED WITH A CORGI PUPPY! TWICE! EEE!! Then I got to go see shan and steve (whoa shoutouts) at their new beautiful apartment and then was taken in by both of their families for the holiday weekend. It was great to be around families that were of many multiple members (alliteration y'all) who were all interacting with eachother and there were conversations and jokes and not uncomfortable silences even though I wasnt a family member. Yay adoptive families!

3. I am halfway done with this semester. Even though I have had a lot of issues with projects and what not- a huge amount of them will be done and finished with within the next week or so, and I just need to learn how to let things go. For example, my program. Yes I am aware that I could have worked my ass off on it AGAIN over this break and gotten a huge grade jump- but I REALLY needed the week off. I am glad that instead of coming home early this morning to work on it, that I stayed and went to steves parents new place and sat in the sun with my legs in the pool

4. Its finally becoming nice out. I am hoping that some of my misery can be blamed on the weather. Sun and warmth and growth and tasty air.... should be beneficial to my health and state of mind. Hopefully.

5. I have realized that I have a lot of talent with relationship advice. I always kind of thought of it being ridiculous and who cares... but with a small handful of my friends coming for me time after time for advice I guess they do care! And I can only hope that I am now aware of what goes wrong with other peoples relationships so often, that when I finally am in one that I can use this knowledge to my advantage. I really appreciate the fact that they seem to appreciate me- its nice to be liked.

6. My style is really coming into its own. I really love my hair these days. And how I do my makeup. And how my wardrobe is growing and changing. I dont feel as mousy as I used to- I am having a lot more confidence lately- I think I'm hot much more than in the past. Its a nice feeling and I hope it pays off soon.

7. I really enjoy how organized I am. I always have, but now its becoming more enjoyable because its a bit of a hobby of mine stealing/organizing all these photos. I probably have somewhere in the range of 10,000 photos saved and all perfectly organized and easy to find. Whenever I reach 500 photos in my 'to sort' folder I get to sit down and sort them and that just makes me happy. Small pleasures.

8. I love that Im still such good friends with people from high school and my first college even though they're now EVERYWHERE. I haven't physically SEEN kelly in months, but we text almost every day and thats great. I feel so lucky that I have them. Its obvious that not only I care about them, but they really do care about me. Real friendships. How heartwarming.

9. Something that I thought about after talking to the Russian. I had told him that guys should behave in the way that they wished their sisters' boyfriends behaved towards them. If you don't want your sisters boyfriend to cheat on her with a handful of girls, then you shouldn't either. If you don't want your sisters boyfriend to insult her every day, then you shouldn't either. You should be the type of guy you would want your most favorite females to date. What I was thinking about after that is that, if I had a brother or for my close guy friends, that I am really happy with who I am and would want them to date with someone like me. Yes, at this point I'm jaded and bitter and suspicious of everything. BUT I am also very faithful and accepting and kind and giving and all sorts of other good things. I am the type of girl that I wish more girls were like (and this isn't just self obsession).

I just need to remember that even though things aren't going great, that there are things that are bigger than that. And there are tons of things to cheer you up. I hope this semesters bad luck was to teach me the lesson that school does not have to be my number one priority. Yes it is extremely important to me, but I was caring TOO much and making myself miserable. I can distance myself and do things for me. I can realize that I'm not happy and try to do something about it.

I want to start looking on the bright side of things. Now that I'm going back to school tomorrow I hope that my negative attitude goes away. It will be hard enough going into the end of this semester with all these unfortunate things lined up, but it would be next to impossible if I kept dragging all the shit from the first half up again. I'm leaving that shit on this entry and thinking positive from now on in. Props to me.


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