A little while back I ranted at one of my guy friends about jewelry. It was during the holiday season and there were these god awful commercials of heart necklaces made out of diamonds and how much buying one would show the one you're shopping for just HOW MUCH you love them. And needless to say, as the bitter and sarcastic woman I am, I didn't understand it. How on earth would a woman open a box and see that stupid heart necklace and think to herself, "Oh my god! Its perfect! He must love me sooooo much!" Once again, my bubble-popper internal self who likes to crap on everything lovey dovey, decided that if I was to ever receive jewelry that I had seen on TV, that I was dumping that sad sap because he obviously didn't know me very well, or more likely, was too lazy to find something else.
Long story short I screamed at my friend about being original and taking time and just opening a package that took some sort of thought showed the love much more than the price tag for about twenty minutes. Then he told me he got his girlfriend one of those heart necklaces for her birthday. Whoops.
I know this is a lot to rant about jewelry, which I've never received as a gift from a guy, and Im sure the pure shock of getting a piece, heart or not, would probably blindside me so completely that it would render this rant irrelevant. Oh and this whole thing was inspired by going to pick up some conditioner the other day and seeing the overwhelming red and pink shit for valentines day that is on the shelves. No thank you. No, really, no thank you.
Here is some jewelry that IS acceptable to give me, if you're feeling the need to buy me something pretty.
MINIATURE CLASSIC DESIGN CHAIRS?!?!? ZOMG YESSSS
They're already proven perfect design
You can wear them.... because they're jewelry!
AND THEY'RE MINIATURE SIZED!! Come on people!
I'm tough. At least in my head I am. This bracelet combined with my 'dont mess with me' bitch face could possibly save my life here in the big bag city one day. So purchasing this for me would also be like hiring a security guard. Because you care so much about my well being. I know you are.
And if the bad guys aren't scared off by the studded bracelet, I could just PUNCH THEM IN THE FACE WITH THIS. I think I could get points across very quickly. Much better than brass knuckles, don't you think? And prettier by far.
Bullet necklaces. With rocks on them. I like shiny rocks, I'm all for them. Sparkly also works. And although I'm against guns, I could get behind these bullets. They're too pretty to lodge in someones body cavity. They kind of remind me of the whole 'flower in the barrel of a gun' thing.
Phew. I feel better now that I've put that out in the universe. Now, when I land a guy who might want to get me jewelry I can just direct him to this and he will know better than to get me a damned heart. And my lovely readers, if you are in the same boat, please feel free to direct your men here for the valentine season. Nothing says love like vaguely violent jewelry. Duh.